Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
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Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK