*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
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All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Just so funny
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.