5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
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After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
buys donuts instead
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor