No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
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If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building