INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
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Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*