*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
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shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..