I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
You Might Also Like
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Doggies just call it style.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of