“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
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journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
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