I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
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I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
is this store having a stroke wtf
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
3% human
97% stress
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.