me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
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Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
calling in to work dehydrated
The 4 stages of a family vacation
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.