I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
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My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Why is this me 😫