HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
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Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Just me?
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.