“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
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All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.