Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
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Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
iPhone X
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum