My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
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Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over