[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
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Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
The government even made aliens boring
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain