According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time