Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
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The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
TWEET CALL
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under no circumstances will my brother take the L
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.