Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
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Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Bit chilly again tonight.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
I have written yet another poem about laundry
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now