I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
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Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
me logging onto twitter
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.