me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
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Received some very disappointing news today
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Hero horse inspires millions
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow