Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
You Might Also Like
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.