I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
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Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
I occasionally drink every single night.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.