Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
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Spring cleaning checklist…
My love language is hissing.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud