I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
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Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
The Onion called it…again.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
next question.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
the only bumper sticker ill allow
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.