Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
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One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill