Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
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Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this