I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
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Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
This probably isn’t good
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
There’s no “us” in nachos.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
what kind of cook setting is this??
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?