me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
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My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
favorite tropes as memes
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive