me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
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*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.