[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
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If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
That eye roll….
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Oh yeah that’s it
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave