Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
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Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.