are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
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Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?