Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
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My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
White Castle for the Win
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Free him
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.