In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
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Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
had to share :’)
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad