When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
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Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
oh my god
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever