just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
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[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
are there any atheist mantises?
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher