You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
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[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.