Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
You Might Also Like
Something Saturday.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Only Americans understand
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !