[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
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Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
it was a valiant fight
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Guantanamo Bae
Meth is short for Elizameth.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.