Still my favourite meme.
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Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Noah was an idiot.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.