Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
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*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.