“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
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Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
I’d use my best pan on you.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap