Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
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Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
Happens to everyone.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
The pasta is now
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”