Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
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Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
shut up and take my money
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday