{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
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Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.