Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
You Might Also Like
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else