I wish I were this cool 😂
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I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!