putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
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So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.