It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
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*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”